I’m a good person.
How many times have we said that to ourselves and to others? More, how many times does that thought come up? Are you? Are we? What’s the definition of a good person? More, where exactly is the line between a good person and a bad one? How many good acts solidify one’s place among the good people? How many bad things negate one’s spot? Is it the same place that others around you draw that line? Is it more important that you are a good person, or that others see you as such?
Ever think about how many times you moved the line, sat in the grey to justify actions and inactions so that somehow you’re always within the boundary of a good person? I’ve done it, you’ve done it, we’ve all done it. Sometimes it’s because we don’t want to be inconvenienced, sometimes it’s because we don’t want to lose something, other times there’s no reason, that just how we wanted to show up that day. But no matter what our actions show, we always fall back on the belief, and on the image that we project to others that we are always good people. We are never the villain in the story. In the end, it seems that our image matters so much more than how we show up every day.
“Homo sum humani a me nihil alienum puto” — Terence Heautontimoroumenos
When I first heard Maya Angelou speak those words “I am human, nothing human can be alien to me” it immediately stuck. It solidified something that I’ve been realizing for a while, it’s not that we’re good or bad people. It’s that we choose to do good or bad things, and sometimes we choose one more than the other. And more, we’re so tied to the fact that we’re good people, it blinds us from seeing when our actions don’t line up with the image. When we’re called in (or out) for those actions we try to explain away the negative impact that we’ve had by focusing on our intent. Because good people have good intentions, and good intentions no matter the impact clear us of responsibility.
But it’s all a construct, an image that we’ve built of ourselves over time, needing to meet society’s requirements for inclusion. We are so married to the idea that we’re good people. It’s such an instinct that I don’t know that we’d be able to articulate why we fall back on that phrase. We use it to defend ourselves, those we admire, and those that are part of our circles. Because part of being a good person is also associating with other good people. And we are the people we associate with so, no one is ever bad, just misunderstood. I don’t know that many of us reflect that the bad, and the heinous parts of humanity is within each of us as well. The good things? Us. The bad things? Us. The extraordinary? Us. The vile? Us. It’s all us, each and every one of us, yet we insist on thinking that it’s them.
Humans are social creatures, we thrive in community and wilt in isolation. Being in community largely requires being accepted, being liked — falling in line with the expectations of the community. That fear that lives in us of being excluded and being put out drives us to take actions that protect our image over those that may best serve us or the community. All we need is for most people to have the right view of us, or maybe just the right people. That image, that identity that we’ve built for ourselves or was built for us, we spent a lifetime upholding it and we convince ourselves that whatever actions or inactions we take for the benefit of our image, they are the right ones. How could they not be, when we’re good people? So we spend life with a duality of being, who we are, and who we show the world. And the person that we show the world must be protected at all costs. Because image is everything. And that protection of the image, doesn’t really allow for self-reflection, or honesty. We have to believe the image too in order to be better salespeople.
So what we do? We move the goal post. And if the goal post is always moving then you’re always within the lines, within those boundaries that separate’s you from the bad people. And somehow you never quite realize that your actions haven’t been anywhere near good for a long time. Because the definition of good is malleable, and the actual objective is to protect the image, being a ‘good person’ has no real meaning. Perhaps if we focused on our actions, and our inactions, rather than our image, we might actually have a chance at being a good person. As I sit and reflect about this moment in time, and all the turmoils of the world, I wonder how different it could be, how much better it would if we would let go of our need to ‘be’ a good person and focused instead on doing better.
